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Forum » Literatur, Kunst & Philosophie » Thread... in ways we do not feel...
19.09.2020 10:57
HiddenNickname
0 … IN WAYS WE DO NOT FEEL ...always having been the one to pride herself immensely on her productivity + achievements at all costs, it had never crossed her mind that just finding herself with nothing left to give at all at one time or another - so scared that being stuck there in that state of depletion could become, like, all she knew, her new normal so to speak - would ever be an issue Over the past decade or so, she seemed to have lost her senses, kind of, or to have forgotten what it was like to be truly happy + like, on the right path, you know She‘s emotionally drained - not only her sleep patterns had been all over the place for what felt like forever - so tired of pretending, of hiding her true feelings to put her best self forward by introducing or by suppressing emotions just in order to fulfill the basic requirements of all those different social roles, wearing that mask for many other reasons than just some strange virus situation According to what she‘d read that really went by the name of ‘emotional labor‘ - or even ‘surface acting‘ which she couldn‘t help but find a little bit ironic (- as if that had ever earned anybody anything other than faking skills) Was making sacrifices all life was about? + if so: how often had she found herself abandoning dreams, lacking the motivation even for her true passions in the process of having become hyper-focused on achieving external goals, which would turn out not to be worth any of it later? She knew that she needed to process her priorities, but her ability to develop new insights or prospects or solutions for herself seemed to be hindered She just lacked the energy to make changes, no matter how important they might be While she would have wished + loved to shift her life in a, well, very different direction, the mere thought of it was just overwhelming, like there was no point in even trying (Being really honest: Would she even know where to start - when for some reason she would feel like being pulled in way too many directions then?) So she would end up telling herself that being stuck in cycles of ruminating about her past mistakes was, in fact, her only option + that things could not improve, which would make her burst out with irrational anger or pure envy or grief at times She‘d feel like she had lost all control of her life a long, long time ago somehow, still there‘s something like a constant craving inside of her for that genuine excitement - some deep, passionate longing for wonderment, lust + joy + rediscovering her energy for play, joking, creativity, lightness, a little foolishness + lots of curiosity… (CMH)
editiert am 19.09.2020 12:04
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