THE ART OF RAPID CYCLING

I.
… falling out of the herem,
inside of her there was just
that deep want to think about
how it would feel to never
talk to HER again… ever,
+ to stay with that feeling
When, quite surprisingly, not
experiencing any
kind of relief at all, but
some strange mix of guilt, sadness,
confusion + even fear
(+ maybe also freedom),
those very emotions were
what cut right to the core of
why going ‘no contact‘ had
always seemed like it simply
was not even an option
It was exactly what the
name implied: her no longer
reaching out - + maybe more
importantly - no longer
responding to HER either
Would that even work for her?
She knew that it‘s supposed to
work, + that there was nothing
she could do – or could have done-
she could say – or could have said-
to make their relationship
less invalidating, more
empathetic, respectful,
+ that every time she‘d have
contact with HER, she‘d end up
in the same old place again
(which felt just as awful as
one could ever imagine),
It would be a white-knuckle-
experience to ignore
all communications from
someone she‘s accustomed to
constantly be sparring with,
(+ blocking numbers, emails
+ accounts would not help much,
since, to HER, trying to get in
to win her over would be
something SHE‘d treat as if it
was in fact some kind of game)
After all, the fact of the
matter was: if SHE wanted
to contact her, SHE would, sure
enough, sure as death, find
a way; + that exactly was where
all that got very tricky
It took her a lot of strength,
psychological bandwidth,
so to say, to keep blocking
out a person she loved +
- strangely but admittedly -
really missed intensely +
would have wanted to be with,
while, at the same time, she knew
this was a person she was
deeply conflicted about…


II.
The ‘funny‘ part about it -
if you will - was, that she did
know very well that she would
never, ever be missed by
HER for being who she was
as a person, but only
for what she‘d had to offer
(admiration + support,
attention, gifts +, well, ... sex)
The ugly truth was that SHE
would never be able to
really see +realize
what a terrific woman
she was (Not that she didn‘t
kick ass, she totally did! -
it‘s just that, in HER eyes, she
was not actually, like, a
real human being, you know)
Considering the fact that
to HER she was just a toy -
all SHE wanted was supply,
new supply at any time -
as long as she had something
to offer her, SHE‘d stay
with her (- provided that she
never got, like, too much work
or dared to bruise HER ego
by calling HER out, trying
to hold HER to a higher
standard or to get HER to
take responsibility
for anything at all, or
by demanding, like, any
progress or conversations
or what have you, or by just
embarrassing HER in HER eyes,
by setting boundaries, or
pissing HER off in any
other way possible)– she‘d,
otherwise, instantly be
officially doomed + deemed
kinda useless + boring
not really worth anything
anymore to HER by then
+, just like that, SHE‘d leave her
to be on the look-out for
some new, shiny + far more
interesting toy to play with…

III.
Despite all of that bullshit,
she actually wanted just
another shot at making
things work between them, ‘cause as
her feelings of love for that
woman were true, intense, deep
+ sincere, she missed HER much,
(though feeling devalued +
hurt by what had happened)
It would be either that, or,
at least – for, like, redemption -
she wanted HER to come
crawling back – even if she
did not know whether she still
wanted HER back at this point
She wanted validation
She wanted HER to come back
+ realize how stupid
SHE‘d been, leaving a woman
as magnanimous as her
Still hanging on to that sad
fantasy of HER knowing
that SHE‘d treated her badly
+ had made a huge mistake,
being here now to right
all of those wrongs, she‘d
forget she was not even
human to that woman, but
some kind of faceless, nameless
thing used by HER for being
supplied with what SHE needed,
or wanted, or both – but still
she wanted + needed to
know that SHE still wanted her -
while being well aware of
the fact that this would merely
be an act of sick neediness
by her former love interest -
which would only happen if,
for whatever reason, SHE
ever went out of supply
‘cause then she‘d be remembered
for being HER last resort
+ thus courted again, like:
“By the way, I miss you, ‘cause
I love you, I‘m so sorry,
things will be so much better
this time around, I promise!“
She knew quite well, SHE had the
attention span of a moth
when it came to HER keeping
any of HER promises
In fact, anything SHE‘d say
or do, in order to suck
her back into that sick game
was nothing more than just a
desperate scramble for supply -
an attempt doomed to failure
as she hoped wholeheartedly…

(CMH)