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Forum » Literatur, Kunst & Philosophie » ThreadTHE ART OF RAPID CYCLING
23.09.2020 00:37
HiddenNickname
0 I. … falling out of the herem, inside of her there was just that deep want to think about how it would feel to never talk to HER again… ever, + to stay with that feeling When, quite surprisingly, not experiencing any kind of relief at all, but some strange mix of guilt, sadness, confusion + even fear (+ maybe also freedom), those very emotions were what cut right to the core of why going ‘no contact‘ had always seemed like it simply was not even an option It was exactly what the name implied: her no longer reaching out - + maybe more importantly - no longer responding to HER either Would that even work for her? She knew that it‘s supposed to work, + that there was nothing she could do – or could have done- she could say – or could have said- to make their relationship less invalidating, more empathetic, respectful, + that every time she‘d have contact with HER, she‘d end up in the same old place again (which felt just as awful as one could ever imagine), It would be a white-knuckle- experience to ignore all communications from someone she‘s accustomed to constantly be sparring with, (+ blocking numbers, emails + accounts would not help much, since, to HER, trying to get in to win her over would be something SHE‘d treat as if it was in fact some kind of game) After all, the fact of the matter was: if SHE wanted to contact her, SHE would, sure enough, sure as death, find a way; + that exactly was where all that got very tricky It took her a lot of strength, psychological bandwidth, so to say, to keep blocking out a person she loved + - strangely but admittedly - really missed intensely + would have wanted to be with, while, at the same time, she knew this was a person she was deeply conflicted about… II. The ‘funny‘ part about it - if you will - was, that she did know very well that she would never, ever be missed by HER for being who she was as a person, but only for what she‘d had to offer (admiration + support, attention, gifts +, well, ... sex) The ugly truth was that SHE would never be able to really see +realize what a terrific woman she was (Not that she didn‘t kick ass, she totally did! - it‘s just that, in HER eyes, she was not actually, like, a real human being, you know) Considering the fact that to HER she was just a toy - all SHE wanted was supply, new supply at any time - as long as she had something to offer her, SHE‘d stay with her (- provided that she never got, like, too much work or dared to bruise HER ego by calling HER out, trying to hold HER to a higher standard or to get HER to take responsibility for anything at all, or by demanding, like, any progress or conversations or what have you, or by just embarrassing HER in HER eyes, by setting boundaries, or pissing HER off in any other way possible)– she‘d, otherwise, instantly be officially doomed + deemed kinda useless + boring not really worth anything anymore to HER by then +, just like that, SHE‘d leave her to be on the look-out for some new, shiny + far more interesting toy to play with… III. Despite all of that bullshit, she actually wanted just another shot at making things work between them, ‘cause as her feelings of love for that woman were true, intense, deep + sincere, she missed HER much, (though feeling devalued + hurt by what had happened) It would be either that, or, at least – for, like, redemption - she wanted HER to come crawling back – even if she did not know whether she still wanted HER back at this point She wanted validation She wanted HER to come back + realize how stupid SHE‘d been, leaving a woman as magnanimous as her Still hanging on to that sad fantasy of HER knowing that SHE‘d treated her badly + had made a huge mistake, being here now to right all of those wrongs, she‘d forget she was not even human to that woman, but some kind of faceless, nameless thing used by HER for being supplied with what SHE needed, or wanted, or both – but still she wanted + needed to know that SHE still wanted her - while being well aware of the fact that this would merely be an act of sick neediness by her former love interest - which would only happen if, for whatever reason, SHE ever went out of supply ‘cause then she‘d be remembered for being HER last resort + thus courted again, like: “By the way, I miss you, ‘cause I love you, I‘m so sorry, things will be so much better this time around, I promise!“ She knew quite well, SHE had the attention span of a moth when it came to HER keeping any of HER promises In fact, anything SHE‘d say or do, in order to suck her back into that sick game was nothing more than just a desperate scramble for supply - an attempt doomed to failure as she hoped wholeheartedly… (CMH)
editiert am 23.09.2020 01:15
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